Tuesday, 13 March 2007


Ok. I wasn't going to talk about this here. I've been going to some pretty great pains to hide it in real life, so why publicise it on the internet? Also, there is my fear of being judged (issue #36 'fear of judgement': see also: being teased in year 8 for showering daily in the evening not the morning) and willed back to the dark ages with the lepers and the people with bad teeth. But then I thought, well, maybe people aren't as judgy as I think, and anyway this blog is about my life, and for better or worse, this unfortunate issue is taking up a disproportionate amount of my attention at the moment. Whether or not it's nuts, I fully feel that when I look back in the future on this period of my life, this episode will serve as a reference point, so completely OCD am I getting about the whole thing. And, you know, it's a little bit funny and maybe other people have had the same embarassing experience. So here it is:

Today is the one week anniversary of my brand new GigantapimpleTM.

(don't worry: no gory details to follow)

It started out as an innocuous tiny lump in my neck. You couldn't see it, but you could feel it, and after 6 months of it being there, I began to worry that maybe I was dying of cancer or goiter or something else BAD (issue #57 'fear of death': see also: irrational terror of mammals in case they bite and infect me with rabies). So when I went to the doctor I asked her about it. And it was all downhill from there. She got her stinking mits on it and it blossomed into the GigantapimpleTM that I am sporting now. It. Is. HUGE. I'm talking at least 2cm in diameter. It is ginormous to the point that I've actually gotten a stiff neck because it hurts to move my head in various directions. I've done everything I can think of to get rid of it (including messaging my Friendly Neighbourhood Pharmacist), but apparently a blemish this big defies medical/cosmetic science. I think I'm just going to have to sit this one out. At least it's not actually that gross. Just really really large.

So if you see me over the next few days/weeks/months sporting a scarf and a side ponytail in 30 degree weather, it's not a hickey, and it's not that the French lessons are beginning to affect my wardrobe. It's the GigantapimpleTM.

But hey, if it never goes away, I can run off and become a circus freak. At least that will solve issue #77 'fear of not finding a meaningful career' (see also: arts and music degrees).

1 comment:

Lauren said...

Heeheehehehehe. Sorry. I don't mean to laugh at your pain. Your pain is not funny at all! It's not even the slightest bit risible.


Oops. Sorry. Not funny. Right. :-)